Fusion food Sucks
Sorry folks, I hate to break it to you, but Fusion Food is just another way of taking out everything unique, powerful and savory, so that anyone who is afraid of spices more pungent than pepper and lemon can feel safe. And, because everyone is willing to eat pepper and lemon for the sake of being in a trendy spot with their cool yet fearful friends, Fusion finds a willing market. Try telling your current girlfriend that you want her to give up her love of poetry and learn how to give a massage like your exotic dancer ex-girlfriend. That’s what happens in fusion restaurants. Learn to eat Indian or Ethiopian food like Indians and Ethiopians. This doesn’t mean you need asbestos mouth guards. It’s okay to ask for your food mild; it is NOT okay to go easy on the garlic when preparing kimchi. The point of exotic food is for it to be exotic. Find the mom and pop joints, the greasy dives and corner whole-in-the-wall and prepare to be transported even if the food is served on foam and foil.
Stop caring about where anyone lives including you
In a county with almost 10 million residents, not everyone can live in Silverlake or West Hollywood. That’s why it’s popular to stick your nose up when someone says they live south of the 10fwy or east of the 110. However, remember that you’re paying double top dollar in Hollywood for that 80 year old oven you call an apartment, sharing it with three people and living off Ramen Noodles. Those people in other parts of the city can afford the four food groups and stave off scurvy. You’d be surprised how many nice neighborhoods there are within a stones throw of Hollywood or the West Side that actually have parking for your friends, when they visit. There are apartment buildings that don’t make you pay extra to park your own car inside. The hip need to get wiser on affordable and safe living in a town this size.
Get to know LA Natives
It’s shocking how many LA transplants consider themselves “natives” because they’ve lived here for 5 years and all their friends have only been here for two. It’s equally as shocking how many of these people assume that everyone in LA is a transplant. If you happen to run into an LA native born or raised here, converse with them and discover any number of the following: Authentic ethnic food, real dive bars off the beaten path where old timers spin yarns, places other than Hollywood, Silverlake, the Westside and Malibu, real neighborhoods with houses that have families living in them, hiking in Runyon Canyon isn’t really hiking, free non-permit street parking, children and senior citizens. You have much to learn young Jedis, ask and ye shall receive.
Pets are not PEOPLE!
Even if your cute kitty or pampered Pomeranian saved you from the loneliness of being far away from your hometown and family, it is not okay to turn it into Mini-Me. Watch an episode of The Dog Whisperer for God’s sake. Animals are not human babies, and it isn’t okay for you to try and show how much you love an animal by raising its life above those of people, even if that person is you. You are more important than your pet and, hyperbole or not, it’s not cool to say you’ll give your life for it. Pet owners should also keep in mind that an invitation to an event does NOT automatically include your pet, even if you can fit it in your shopping bag.
Don’t ask that question
I know you want to know, and I know everyone expects you to ask, but try toying around with the idea of not asking someone what they do for a living. Let them bring it up, or wait until you’ve met them a few times. You may be curious to meet people who can help forward your career goals, as many are in LA, but you might just impress someone even more by getting to know them as a person before attempting to pimp them out for your professional needs. There are many native and long time residents who have no desire to network, because they’re firmly established in their careers. Let them get to know you without feeling like you might be hitting them up for business. You might just get even further that way.
Don’t offer it and don’t expect it
Now, the dating seen in the city of Angels is notoriously hostile. Guys feel the need to come on strong and women feel the need to roll up the drawbridge and loose the hounds. But no matter what else you do guys, DON’T offer to buy someone you don’t know a drink, unless they just blew your minds with the most incredible conversation you’ve had since that time you got high in your dorm room with four of your friends and ironed out the rules of time travel. It doesn’t matter if it’s her birthday, and she will not like you more after you’ve essentially paid for her time, so don’t be a douche. Spend money at your own risk, but women aren’t obligated to give you attention. And ladies, if you were expecting it, don’t be insulted when the guy you’ve been chatting with doesn’t buy you a sour apple martini. He’s not cheap, he’s just on to you.
You don’t have a GAY friend, they’re just your friend
I’m not sure if you grew up here, but you may have noticed that LA is pretty friendly to anyone that has money to burn be they gay straight or none of the above. So, when you tell your pals about that great friend of yours that took you to the Abbey and got you drunk on mango mojitos, it isn’t necessary or kosher to distinguish your friend by their “gayness.” Try telling them something meaningful like how funny they are or how talented a mechanic they are, so they should call them for their next oil change. The reverse goes for my gay friends. Don’t introduce me as your straight boy….. eeeesh.
Stop name dropping
Shhht! Just stop! Don’t even get started. I said, “STOP.” Nobody cares.
Respect others’ beliefs
This is doesn’t happen all the time, but it’s worth mentioning. Living in one of the largest cities in the world with some of the greatest diversity and access to culture in the world does, honestly, imbue us with a broader perspective and appreciation of almost everything. However, you are not allowed to bash religion, just because you were bashed with religion at some point in your past, or because you’re an atheist. I know, that at 11pm at a mansion in the hills or in a rooftop bar, it might seem fine to make fun of all those backwards superstitious dogmatic types, but it really isn’t. Somebody in your audience has a mother, grandfather or uptight little sister that is devout in their faith. Posit an informed criticism if you must, but don’t go religion bashing. It’s in poor taste.
Stop bragging or pretending to complain about the weather
If you’re bragging, just remember, “EARTHQUAKE!!!!”
If you’re pretending to complain, because it gets up to 95 degrees once or twice a month during the summer, just remember, “EARTHQUAKE!!!!”
Others may have tornadoes to contend with, or if you’re New Orleans, you have God personally bent on your destruction, but the Earth is trying to do us in over here. It’s horrible! Anyone that’s been through a 6.0 or stronger tremor knows that there’s little in the world more helpless than a city of millions that’s turned into a bouncy house. And if you’re actually complaining about the weather in any way, then you’re an idiot. The weather here fucking rocks!!!!